So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
