I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
