Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
i want to swaddle you in tequila
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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