did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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