my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
