i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You pole danced in your parka.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize