WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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