I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
