I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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