Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
