just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
