your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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