New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
