Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
