I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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