Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
