the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Randomize
