I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Someone signed my nipple.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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