The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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