If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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