why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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