We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
