and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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