That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
