But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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