i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
