Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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