sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
