i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
