maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
i need some magic done to my vagina
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
