i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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