Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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