I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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