Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Hello my rib-scented angel!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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