I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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