Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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