i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
