Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
