I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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