I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
