so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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