Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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