It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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