Non-Jews are for practice
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
