were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
