Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
