Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
