Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
