Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize