I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize