I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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