Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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