Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize