I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
