FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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