you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I met the friendliest cop last night
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Randomize
