My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
