if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
