Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
