My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
